Here is my path to integrating all of myself back into my being.
From judgemental, sarcastic and feeling as if I am better than everyone else to feeling powerful, valued and compassionate again.

In here you will find ways you can heal yourselves.
Find my PERSONAL EXPERIENCE at the end of the article.

Let’s Start with an introduction into the healing process.
Bare with me, Everything will make sense in the end.

Preface

Inspiration for this article arrived from one friend of mine commenting on my Facebook posts (thank you!). I noticed that every time he comments on my articles I get burning sensations in my chest. As if I need to prove myself smarter, deeper or more developed than him. I felt challenged to perform.

At first I thought that I am just sensitively reacting to his “judgemental” comments (while judging him and in this way being judgemental myself). That I am just trying to make him understand what is he doing to himself and the world. In other words – that the problem is outside of myself.

Until I realised that it is a clear projection of my internal struggle to be better than everyone else (in my case – saviour) – being mirrored on someone else.

We Live In A World Of Mirrors

The more I was diving deep into Gestalt Psychotherapy and spirituality through my awakening – the more I came across the concept of mirroring.
The basic idea behind Mirroring is:

  • We tend to dislike people who have a quality or a feature that we haven’t accepted in ourselves.
  • We blame others with a charge, but actually the feeling comes from an internal unresolved (usually childhood) struggle.
  • We tend to unconsciously attract other people who will show (mirror) what we need to heal.

Why Can’t We Just Own Our S**t?

Why we feel challenged to take responsibility for our lives, see what is ours to heal, own what happened to us, learn from the experience and joyfully go on with our lives? It may be connected to having a bloated ego and the way our brains are wired.

We have one more part of our brain that other mammals don’t have. This part of our brains helps us think abstractly, save it into memory for later, remember, reevaluate & conceptualise. Also that makes us perceive a separation (EGO) : identity connected to the experience. The sense of “I”.

With this sense of “I” comes the feeling of “original sin” or separation. The idea that “I” am separate form “you” or “I” am separate from “god”. With the feel of separation – especially if reinforced by painful traumatic experience which can’t be processed at the moment – comes a wish to fixedly attach to a particular identity until we heal those connected parts and allow our identity to be fluid again.

That is the energetic concept of stagnation. When we restrict our natural fluidity from one identity to another. Stagnation generally happens when we close our hearts & avoid feeling something that’s present with us now. Forgetting that love always was and is all around us. Just like a fish forgetting that it lives in the water.

We use that identity to traverse through the world while separating ourselves from others: “I know better”, “I am a rape victim”, “I am gay/not gay”, “I am better than them”, “I was hurt by others”, “I am my profession”, “I am what others say I am”.We build a character around that identity.

The more we feel separated – the more we want to reinforce our “identity”.
The more we feel separated – the more we judge others.

It feels easier for us to conceptualise the situation, think & talk about it (often – way too much or way too little), rationalise and make it about others. This way we try to keep our identity safe and justifiable. This way we can wallow in the same story not learning the lesson for decades.

It also feels easier for us to deal with a traumatic-like experience if – at that moment – we externalise it and make the other (or the situation itself) at fault. Then, for some time, we don’t need to deal with it ourselves. That gives us time to get ourselves to a space without threats. Where we will finally be safe to unwind, access it, own it and heal it.

Sadly that makes us traumatic ego carriers until we solve it. Often unresolved trauma travels through generations. Also that brings us to the “Drama Triangle Dynamic”. When we identify ourselves and others within the following: Victim, Perpetuator or Persecutor (saviour). This unhealthy dynamic is one of the main issue the world is encountering on a daily basis.

This can become a distraction from the actual healing quickly, naturally & intuitively (like other mammals). And properly learning the lesson that the experience is offering to us.

“Wild animals don’t include this part of healing process because they intuitively shake it off and release the charge instantly. It is possible for humans to learn (or remember) this technique from other mammals too”

FUN FACT!

We can leave the world better than we found it!

In my opinion – eventually the universe is getting us to grow no matter what. Mostly through relationships with other people mirroring us and life challenges. We all get our own challenging people around us, who trigger us to Feel The Feels (a.k.a. emotions).

And you know what? I love catching those moments! Opening my heart, feeling it and growing with it! Why? Because it is the easiest personal development path if you are mature & ready for it.

Is it sometimes painful? Yes. And I need to face my shadows to heal & befriend my ego (a.k.a. pain body). Often getting a support person to coach me through it, is a good idea. We need someone else to directly pinpoint our blindspots. Address the elephants in the room. They are called blindspots because at some point we chose to turn a blind eye on them.

We heal the world by healing ourselves

REAL FACT!

If our parents were unable to heal their traumas & experiences through their lives and transfered their conditioning onto us – we will carry the weight until we chose to heal and Quit Being a Mule Of Pain furthermore. That’s our responsibility for our own kids. This way we can leave the world better than we found it. This way we can liberate ourselves!

Is it possible to be better than everyone else?

The deepest spiritual teachings I have heard in my life express that once we believe to be better than someone else – we make an act of separation. Like Adam & Eve – we start believing that we would become gods if we would bite the forbidden fruit. For a split of a second we forget that we are in paradise already. And we bite the the apple from the tree of knowledge.

Then – we are kicked out of paradise automatically.

Why? Because we create our reality with our beliefs. If we believe that we are about to BECOME gods. Then we believe that we are not gods already. If we believe that we are ought to judge and criticise others so we would show that we are better than them. Then, as a consequence – we make ourselves worse.

We compare, criticise, judge and justify other’s actions. And that becomes the hell we create for ourselves. Because to do that to others – we have to first do that to ourselves. Once we will become less hard on ourselves, love and accept ourselves for who we are – our environment will change back to paradise again!

We can be better at something. Let’s say – logics. But someone else will be better than us at another thing. Let’s say – emotional maturity. What we should do then? Learn from each other. We need to learn to see the world as a whole. Encouraging each other to be themselves. Then the doors to paradise open themselves.

Bloated ego is just a symptom of blindness for the overall picture of everything being equally important and necessary. Everyone has a role in this world. Everyone is important to us. “The best idea” concept doesn’t really exist in this world (Sorry USA…)

“I am still better than everyone else!

A Millennial

This brings me to the last bit of healing necessary to this kind of attitude: Explore Your Insecurities. Love them, share them, find a creative way to play with them, make art with them. Dance with them. Feel them. Journal about them. Believe me – you will become much stronger once you address them.

It is possible to fully heal & actually feel fulfilled. Of course it is. And this comes from within.

  • When we transform our personal and collective unconscious into conscious.
  • When we find peace inside of ourselves.
  • When we find our purpose and path we are here to follow.
  • When we integrate our gifts & contribute back into our society.

It is a process. And it’s worth it!

What Is Our Purpose in this world?

Overall we all have a particular and important reason why we are alive. A purpose. We are here because that purpose needs to be fulfilled. The universe wants that for itself. The universe will support you in doing that. You will be good at it. Maybe better than everyone else in the world. And that is nothing to brag about. Just grow & do what you came here to do.

Finding our purpose (dharma, meaning of life) and doing what we are here to do – is the main goal of our lives. There’s nothing more valuable than that. It will fulfil you so fully that it will naturally make you humble, wise, mature and fascinatingly attractive to others. Others will admire you without you ever turning attention to yourself.

Photo by Jordan Madrid on Unsplash

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:

For many years I was very analytical. I would be nagging people that I considered unreasonable & irrational. Especially those who believed in something beyond concrete science & logics. Like energy, magic and miracles. Those who were laughing and enjoying life.

I thought that it is just an instance of a delusion. I would start heated discussions with them and try to logically prove to them that I was right. I was feeling a thrill out of disrupting them. Tearing their joy and magic apart. I thought that I was doing a god job.

I even did that to my super artistic, beautiful and creative girlfriend at that time. Smashed her self-esteem & creativity for a while. With my “Rock Solid Logics” that she should find a “decent job” first. Well… That’s what I was told when I was young.

I thought I was much better than them. Fuck yeah I was thinking that! Full on! I could not look into creative people because I thought they were unreliable. I did not trust people in general.

I believed I knew all the answers. And I thought that being vulnerable is weak. I thought that being loving will make me naive and people will use me. Sometimes I would try it for a short period of time. At the same time giving my energy for fear – expecting the worst.

And guess what? Then the worst would actually happen. Then I would blame all the world that I can’t be as loving as I would love to be.

Why I did all that? Because I also did not trust myself. I was not loving & accepting my own internal artist. I believed in others when they said that artists are unreliable, crazy. That I could not survive as an artist. I lived in constant internal conflict & stress because of that.

Sarcasm and indifference was for breakfast. Judgement was for lunch. And hopelessness was hiding inside of me all day. Denying love to myself.

When I felt exposed and weak – I turned back into analysis and logics. Judging human condition and blaming others. I also pretended to be stronger than everyone else. Emotionless, collected, but actually – boiling inside. Delusionaly imagining that nobody can sense that.

My mind was boiling with thoughts, judgements, apathy & indifference. Why?

“That was my defence for feeling the feels that I did not want to feel.”

It Took Time & Resources To Heal That Conditioning.
And It was Worth It!

I am different now. Personal development path brought me to the point where I get to be joyous with myself. Every day! Love myself and be in wonder of “who am I today?”. I still sometimes find small triggers inside of me. Calling me out to heal & accept myself further.

Just like today. When I was reading my friends sceptical comment on Facebook. And I found myself feeling the urge to “heal” him. When actually – I saw a reflection of an old lost part of myself in that friend. Part, that I want to hug, heal, love and integrate back into myself today.

Lovingly,
Modestas

P.S. I wonder, how do you, reader, feel about this topic?
What was your experience in your life?
How did it made you feel?
Are you using “rock solid sarcasm” to hide your own vulnerable emotions in life ?


Modestas Stonkus

Modestas Stonkus is the founder of Dance Of Tantra, a personal development platform, based on dance movement expression techniques, and powerful personal transformation tools. Modestas is actively working as a Mentor, Tantric Bodyworker, Teaching Dance & DJ all around the world. He strives to create inspirational experiences, motivating growth & love to ourselves.

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